You never know when some fool is gonna step up on you and ask you that terrifying question that no one wants to hear:
“Why do you think we should hire you?”
Oh SNAP! This busta just put you on the SPOT!
Interviewing is tough! They ask a lot of tricky questions, make you talk about yourself, and they expect you to shower beforehand.
I went on a couple of interviews this week. I’ve been getting bored working from home, I don’t get paid enough to entertain you guys (yet) and Stephen Colbert hasn’t promoted my book on his show yet, so I’m not getting this cheese like I should.
Luckily, I majored in bullshit…They called it “Public Relations” but I know kitten piss when I smell it. Calling it “cream soda” isn’t gonna convince me.
Now, before you PR professionals get offended, I want you to know that I don’t say bullshit with ANY negative connotations. It takes a very well-developed skill-set for someone to use bullshit the way you do.
I LOVED my bullshit professors, enjoyed discussing bullshit theory, and have been able to apply bullshit to every aspect of my life.
And nowhere does that come in MORE handy than when applying for a job.
You see, you’re probably not very good at it. But that’s only because you’ve screwed up every other part of your life. Don’t believe me? Here’s why you WON’T get the job of your dreams:
THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU WON’T GET YOUR DREAM JOB
1. Social Presence: You can’t really be surprised that you’re not getting this job. All they had to do was Google your Twitter (ewwww) and the first thing they saw was: “Just took a walk of shame. Can’t find my nuva ring. All-in-all? Grandma’s funeral was a huge success!” You see, if you’d studied bullshit in college like I did, you’d just start a humor blog so you could call that tweet “social marketing”._______________________________________________________________
2. You’re Too Cool: This one’s for you hipsters. I understand that you have to be the coolest person in the room, but during an interview, the guy who’s deciding whether or not to fund your PBR and mustache wax budget is WAY cooler than you. But you’re not even listening…You’re too cool to take advice, and hey, do you homey. After all…Nothing says “whatevs” like missing out on a steady paycheck because you told a social media consulting firm “Screw Facebook! I’m all about Friendster because I’m mass alternative BRO.”_______________________________________________________________
3. Selling Yourself Short: I’ve had some cool jobs, but I’ve also had some super awful jobs. You wouldn’t know it, because the graveyard taxi shift I drove in college sounds awesome as hell the way I say it. You should try this for yourself. Example: Saying Shift Manager at Blockbuster: Duties included changing readerboard weekly doesn’t exactly foster excitement in a potential employer. You should have sexed yourself up a little bit! That same job could have been written as Copywriter for the major motion picture industry involved in promotion of the biggest box office hits of 2002. But don’t worry if you can’t get creative; I’m sure you’ll be happy in your mom’s basement._______________________________________________________________
4. Commitment Issues: A company is looking for someone long-term. They’re like that girl who’s picking out your kids’ names on the first date. But you’re an idiot and are all like “whoaaaa slow down lady, we just met!” instead of “Oh yeah I can totally see our future in your eyes and it looks magical! Your boobs get super big after the pregnancy” like you should._______________________________________________________________
5. Assume a Drug Test: I don’t smoke weed, so drug tests don’t scare me. But every time I talk to one of my stoner friends, they seem to be doing “detox math” AFTER THE FACT. “No bro, I should be cool…I drank a bunch of cranberry juice and I haven’t smoked since Tuesday.” That’s not something you should base your future on. If you’re applying for jobs right now, put the blunt down. They’re going to drug test. Look around you…you’re sitting in a mold-soaked (yet somehow musty) studio apartment watching an old Cypress Hill concert in the dark on a Tuesday afternoon. You’re luck isn’t good enough that they WON’T drug test._______________________________________________________________
6. What’s Your Greatest Weakness: This is an interviewer’s favorite question. What are your 3 weaknesses? Your answer shouldn’t be “I love too much, I work too hard and I’m too passionate about what you do here”…but it SHOULD be a variation on that theme. Get creative. “I work too hard” can easily pass if you just say “Well…I think I make people uncomfortable. My old boss was always nervous that they were gonna promote me and I’d be HIS boss.” Or “I love too much” could be expressed professionally by saying “Damn gurl, that pencil skirt’s all ridin’ up your thigh…you look fine as hell.”_______________________________________________________________
7. You’re Too Smug: Look…not everyone is as charming as I am. Some of you need to humble yourselves in an interview. Quit assuming you’re the best candidate. You’re probably not. Imagine that someone with the same resume, same college and same background as you ALSO applied, BUT she’s really hot and her blouse is all tight and about to pop a button off and she just did that flirty “hair-twirl giggle” thing with the interviewer, convincing him he’s got a shot. You probably won’t get that job. And if I apply? You definitely won’t._______________________________________________________________
8. You Smell Like the Club and Are Still Coated in Stripper Glitter: Don’t ignore this post! I’m not joking. The night before an interview, stay home. Learn a little bit about the company and get a good night’s rest. “Why Kevin? So I’m well prepared and fresh for the interview?” No, because it’ll keep you out of the club. That glitter is impossible to get off._______________________________________________________________
9. Trash Talk: The interviewer ASSUMED you didn’t like your old job…That’s why you’re looking for a new one. It’s implied. You should let that one lie. When they asked you why you’re leaving, you should have said “I’ve been with the company for a long time and I’m looking for a new challenge…you know, someplace that I can grow professionally.” It would have gone over WAY better than “After we got busy in the copy room at the Christmas party, my boss started being a real skank about my 2-hour lunches.”_______________________________________________________________
10. You’re Too Close: Stop being so personal! They’re hiring you for a job, not auditioning for their new BFF. Tell them about your work history. If they ask you about your hobbies or personal life, tell them a little bit about how you “like basketball and the outdoors and reading”…They don’t need to know that you “went on a coke binge after your third miscarriage and woke up in Tijuana married to a guy named Nikolai and long story short, you have a Valtrex prescription and a tattoo of the golden gate bridge on your inner thigh.”_______________________________________________________________
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done/seen someone do when applying for a job?
